i am not.

I am not an eloquent speaker.
I am not a wonderful singer.
[among other things]

And normally, I’m pretty self-conscious about doing these things in front of other people. But in college, I learned that, when it comes to praising God, to worshiping, to praying, it shouldn’t matter what I say, what I sound like to other people.

I am not doing it for them.
I am doing it for Him.

And He tells me not to compare my prayers and my voice to other people. Because He knows the heart behind them. Eventually, I mostly got over being self-conscious about these things as I constantly reminded myself that no one was judging me, and even if they are, who cares. What do their opinions mean in the long run?

But last week, someone made fun of a prayer I said. And it hurt. It wasn’t for them. What place are they in that they get to judge me and my interactions with my Father? Yeah, I may be praying out loud in front of you, but that gives you no right to tell me what I’m saying isn’t good enough, isn’t right.

This verse runs through my head often in these situations. Now may I only take it to heart and remember when I need to remember.

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)

I am enough for Him just the way I am.

i will follow.

a soundtrack to my relationship past

I attach songs to things going on in my life. If it explains my thoughts or feelings at all, it becomes linked with my memories and therefore whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of some significant (or not so significant) part of my life. This doesn’t mean that I identify with every line of each of these songs. But at least a portion of it conveys my thoughts or feelings from that period of my life.

This shows a little bit of the phases of musical taste that I’ve gone through. I kind of have this habit of listening to one CD over and over again until I find a new one that I like as much or better.

[If you know my story, these will make a lot more sense to you. (It's roughly in order.) If you don't, it's still pretty good music.]

Over My Head (Cable Car) – The Fray
Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet – Relient K
When I Go Down – Relient K
Dirty Little Secret – Pillar
Better than Me – Hinder
Contagious – Acceptance
Goodnight and Go – Imogen Heap
Behind Your Eyes – Jon Foreman
Who Am I To Say – Hope
Simple as it Should Be – Tristan Prettyman
It’s Gonna Be Alright – Priscilla Ahn
The Walk – Imogen Heap
Hide and Seek – Imogen Heap
Parachute – Ingrid Michaelson
Maybe – Ingrid Michaelson
Gonna Get Over You – Sara Bareilles
Let the Rain – Sara Bareilles
Someone Like You – Adele